My child is shy - what should I do?

Shyness is a personal trait that usually occurs during the school period. However, we can notice some symptoms of shyness in preschool children and adults. Well-known psychologist Philip defines shyness as a complex condition ranging from a slight feeling of embarrassment in social situations to fear of people that can lead to neurosis. Consolidated in childhood, it can result in many difficulties in interpersonal relations, and often even make it impossible to derive joy and satisfaction from life. That is why it is worth for parents not only to accept their shy child, but also to support them and build a strong self-esteem in them. my child is shy.

A shy child is "more comfortable" in upbringing - it is calm, quiet, and often subordinate. Since shyness is apparently more convenient for the environment, it is often neglected or overly exposed. Neither one nor the other situation is favorable to the shy child.

Shyness is most often revealed in new, unknown situations and in contact with unknown people. It is worth knowing that shyness in younger children is a developmental phenomenon and means an instinctive resistance to closeness with a stranger. Its purpose is to protect the bond with the parent and to protect the child from the influence of other people. Before we send the child to therapy, we will observe in what situations and towards which people our child shows shy behavior.

Shy, which is what?

A shy child experiences various social situations in a specific way and displays certain behaviors.

1. In the affective (emotional) sphere, he usually experiences a feeling of embarrassment, embarrassment, embarrassment, and even anxiety or fear. This is accompanied by characteristic somatic symptoms such as muscle tightness, difficulty speaking, from stuttering to very soft, barely audible speech, pale or reddening, sweating, dry mouth, difficulty breathing, and awkward movements with shaking hands.
2. In the behavioral sphere - a child who wants to avoid these unpleasant emotions does not take specific actions, especially those that may be assessed according to him. It is a defense mechanism that paradoxically results in hindered social contacts or even withdrawal and refusal of relationships, isolation. Among the shy children there are those who, in the event of social exposure, would most likely hide in the darkest corner of the room. Which does not mean that these children do not need to make contact with their peers, including friendships.
3. In the cognitive sphere - almost constant concentration on experienced emotions results in difficulties in concentrating attention, thinking, processing information, and consequently prevents the full use of intellectual potential, e.g. during lessons. In addition, at the cognitive level, shyness is associated with negative thoughts about oneself, blaming oneself, perceiving the world as threatening. The child avoids meeting new people, any public appearances, even in the family circle. At school, he is reticent, quiet, does not speak in the classroom, does not take the initiative in the group, does not ask for explanations of something he does not understand.

What can parents do?

It turns out that a child is much more boldly involved in social relationships, including peer relations, if:

• Is better able to cope with unpleasant feelings that he experiences,
• They are characterized by self-confidence, good self-esteem,
• Has high self-esteem.

How to help your child deal with unpleasant feelings?

Usually these are feelings of fear, anxiety, anxiety, sadness, shame. It is important to accept the child with what he or she experiences, to accompany him without judging, criticizing or ridiculing. Accompanying a child means being in a loving and empathetic relationship with him. It is an attempt to name what it feels, a hug.

You can also practice deep, mindful breathing with your baby. This will involve the longest of the cranial nerves (the vagus nerve) that connects the brain to the heart and other vital organs and ends its "run" around the stomach. When we breathe deeply (into the diaphragm), the vagus nerve slows down the heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and inhibits the secretion of cortisol - the stress hormone. When a child learns to breathe calmly in a safe situation, he will be able to use this skill in a subjectively difficult situation, which will help him relax his body and thus "dissolve" the accumulated emotions. The latest research on the vagus nerve shows that it also responds to physical bondage and touch, so hugging, gentle massage, and lazy eights on your back are also good ideas for calming down.

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How to strengthen a child's self-esteem?

Self-esteem is also called self-confidence or self-confidence. It relates to what a child is able to do, which is his ability in various areas. A child's confidence develops as he or she succeeds. It is important that the child himself must recognize the action and its effect as a success. Praise by a parent, using the words "great, great, bravo, revelation" etc. will not strengthen the child's self-confidence if he does not have an inner sense of success. Self-confidence is the answer to the following questions:

• What can I do?
• What am I good at?
• What can I do?

Therefore, it is worth for parents to create situations in which the child will be able to safely, through training, exercises, strengthen self-confidence in certain areas, e.g. in sports, music, cooking, art, mathematics, etc. The better (executive) the child will be in some field, the greater his confidence will be.

Disadvantageous for self-confidence are, inter alia, the following words:

• You did it.
• You got it.
• You were lucky.

They say that our child's success was a coincidence and that he himself did not contribute much to it. It deprives you of self-confidence, lowers self-esteem and results in further life. How often we can hear these words from adults (our friends or acquaintances) who have achieved truly spectacular success. They react to our admiration and recognition with the words "and there, it's not a big deal, I was just lucky".

Talking about our child's successes in a fait accompli, that is:

• You got ...
• You won ...
• You did ...
• You have learned ...
• You jumped ...
• You handled¦

In building self-confidence, referring to facts also helps, because, as the old saying goes, "facts are not discussed, they simply exist and therefore they are accepted".

In building self-confidence, referring to facts also helps, because, as the old saying goes, "facts are not discussed, they simply exist and therefore they are accepted".

How to strengthen self-esteem?

Self-esteem is thinking about yourself œI'm okay, I'm ok the way I am. I don't have to change to deserve my parents' love. A child (but also an adult) with a high self-esteem accepts and likes himself exactly as he is. He believes that he is good enough along with his thoughts, needs, feelings, desires, strengths, but also weaknesses. It's the belief that it's good to be me.

The foundation of such self-esteem is the child's experience of being of value to parents. Someone who enriches the lives of his parents and his family through mere presence. We build high self-esteem in contact with the child in a genuine interest in his life, recognition of his successes and difficulties. It also helps to understand, unconditionally accept the child as a person, respect his thoughts, dreams, desires and feelings.

What inhibits the development of self-esteem?

• Depreciating the child as a person and his achievements.
• Labeling eg "shy child".

Children then begin to be ashamed of who they are and begin to feel that something is wrong with him, something is not ok, and this is a step towards the so-called "Shyness".

Therefore, high self-esteem is the basis of well-being, which gives the child the ability to build harmonious relationships with others.

Finally, it is worth adding that if parents base their relations with children on fear, obedience, punishment, rewarding (conditional love) or authority based on the role (parent's), this may result in the child perceiving the world as threatening, unpleasant, unkind. in which it is not worth "leaning out". As a consequence, it will contribute to social isolation and entering your inner world more and more. Because only in its inner world will the child feel safe.

To prevent this from happening, let's take care of the child's self-esteem, create opportunities for him to be successful, let's strengthen his self-esteem, and let's not be afraid to talk about what he or she is going through.