How to deal with anger and rage without breaking the child: 9 tips from psychologists
themselves never to do so again . But, as a rule, this cycle is repeated again and again. How to deal with anger and rage without breaking the
It is difficult with children. Their behavior sometimes irritates, upsets and provokes parents to scream and act, which they later regret. Almost everyone promises themselves never to do so again . But, as a rule, this cycle is repeated again and again. How to deal with anger and rage without breaking the child.
We talked about the consequences of physical violence by parents in detail in a previous article, in particular, in the article "Why can't children be beaten
And today we offer to discuss the advice of psychologists and psychotherapists on overcoming the habit of "exploding" and spilling emotions on your child.
9 tips to help you deal with aggression and anger:
1) Realize that it is up to us, not the child
Usually parents say: "He makes me angry! Although in fact emotions arise within us. It is we who get annoyed, we can get angry and not cope with the strength of our emotions.
Therefore, teacher emphasizes that the first step to change behavior will be to take responsibility for their actions. It is we who choose how to act at any given time, and it is up to us whether our reaction is automatic or conscious and balanced.
In this context, it is fair to think that we do not usually shout at a police officer or our leader, we do not kick them. Why? Did they never irritate or anger us? We think: everyone had similar emotions. But in a situation with the leadership or representatives of state institutions, we understand the possible consequences and choose other actions. And this confirms that we are quite capable of controlling our anger.
2) Allow yourself to live "negative" emotions
Every living person experiences a range of emotions - joy, anger, pleasure, irritation, sadness, resentment, euphoria, anger and more. None of the emotions are bad. Each of them is important and is a reaction to certain events. And a signal of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with some of your needs.
Remember, it's okay to feel angry or angry. By allowing ourselves to feel them, we can learn to control them.
This is true (although for some it is very unpleasant), but our children - so beloved and so long-awaited - also cause us various unpleasant emotions and states: irritation, anger, rage, fear, fatigue, boredom and so on. And this is normal and quite natural! After all, when we are so close with another living person (and the relationship with the baby, it's not just near - it's actually interdependence), we somehow have different emotions, and not just pleasant. Not because children or parents are bad, but because we are all alive explains child, family.
3) Learn to notice the first manifestations of strong emotions
Emotional experiences have different intensity and strength. Strong anger or rage does not appear suddenly (provided that we do not consider situations that are directly life-threatening). They appear, growing - from slight resentment and irritation to anger, and then, perhaps, to anger or rage. And the sooner we recognize our anger, the less emotionally we will live it.
Therefore, in order not to bring yourself to "boil", the psychologist recommends learning to distinguish the smallest shades of their emotional states. She advises to develop emotional intelligence, pay attention to all your experiences and learn to be aware of your own emotions and feelings.
Gradually, step by step, you will be able to access your emotions step by step, by answering the simple question: "What do I feel now?", "What I feel at this time when the child does not listen, fidgets, argues, etc. And as soon as you realize and name your emotion, the degree of stress will drop and it will be easier for you to manage your condition. After all, we can't control what we don't realize.
4) Try to express anger in a safe way
However, understanding what we are feeling is only half the battle. The next step is the ecological expression of emotion. Therefore, it is important to monitor how we act in moments of strong emotions and how, in fact, we live them?
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To express emotions, psychologists recommend:
- a) Say what you feel. In our culture, it is not customary to voice one's feelings. So we have to make an effort to learn to talk about our emotional state instead of silently "boiling" or expecting another person to guess how we feel.
The first step to not getting frustrated is to honestly tell yourself and your child, 'I'm angry when ...' That is, it is important to "catch" in time, to realize what you feel in a moment of stress, and try to formulate it with a specific description of your condition,
Child and family psychologist urges not to be afraid to show and voice emotions in a child
You can also learn to say, œIn order to calm down now, I have to
- b) Pause and switch attention
At the moment of increasing tension, try to shift the focus of attention from the child's behavior to yourself: try to switch to your body, its needs, your breathing.
What are the desires and needs of your body now: maybe you are hot and want to freshen up? Maybe you have a dry mouth and you need a sip of water? Take care of yourself in this moment of anger, try to transfer your energy from controlling the situation / child to helping yourself. You can go to the bathroom to wash or go to the kitchen to drink water, go to the window and look at the sky,
These few minutes of switching will allow you to get out of the situation, slightly change the angle, and reduce the degree of tension.
- c) Transform emotion
It will be good to transfer emotion from the internal to the external plan. Try to do art therapy (draw your anger, blind it), shout into a pillow or in the shower, squeeze and throw the paper in the trash (tear it into small pieces
Therefore, in order to fully live and let go of anger and rage, it will be good:
Go for a walk;
Do charging;
Dance;
Do the cleaning.
And for starters, according to the author, it will be good to just get up from a chair, take a deep breath, tense all the muscles and relax in 20 seconds. Then you can shake your hands and feet and take another deep breath.
5) Find out the real cause of anger or rage
Emotion is a marker, and it is important to understand what it points to. Ask yourself, œWhy am I angry? What preceded this emotion of mine?
Understanding the true causes of your emotions will allow you to express them more environmentally friendly, without relieving the child. After all, it often turns out that the problem is not in the child, but in chronic fatigue, quarrel with her husband or problems at work. And then the behavior of children is only a trigger for the manifestation of accumulated emotions.
Sometimes we can also be out of balance with the manifestations of the child's age. We may feel responsible for her rebellion or hysteria, blame ourselves for poor upbringing. In fact, this behavior may indicate adulthood (crisis of 3 (6) years or early adolescence).
6) Take care of yourself
It is often perceived as not serious and" bad parental. œGive them better and hope for gratitude. Not worth it. Exhausted, tired, undernourished, oversleeped, under-rested, under-meeting with friends, not going to restaurants and theaters, not watching movies, not being seen in the bathroom and a bunch of other underdogs ... Such parents break down faster, shout louder and slap their butts more painfully
So remember: your leisure and resources are very important, they should not be at the end of the list for the day and carried over to the next. "How to take care?", "What did I do for myself today? if we do not take care of ourselves, we will not have the strength and sensitivity to respond to the needs of the child.
Perhaps, we will be able to quickly "catch" our reaction, our pre-frontal zone will start working and say: "Yes, I came already tense and I" pour "my tension on the child."
7) Apologize to the child if "failed"
When you are sure you have calmed down, talk to your child. Explain to her what made you lose your balance.
A child always learns from us, and she also learns how to behave in conflict situations. If we feel we have done something wrong and are willing to take responsibility for it, we can say, "I'm sorry, I failed." This does not harm the parental authority, but on the contrary - strengthens it,
It is very important to be attentive to your feelings and resources It is important to be honest with children, so if you do not feel empowered to apologize, do not think it is reasonable at the moment, it is better not to apologize.
8) Set and discuss rules
Parents sometimes get angry and punish their children for actions that were not forbidden to the child or for violating rules that have not yet been established.
"For example, when we are angry because a child has painted on wallpaper, it is important to ask ourselves the question:" Did the child know that you cannot paint on wallpaper? Did I tell her about it? Showed - where possible? Did you make sure she understood? Did you repeat the rule to her several times?
At the same time, the psychologist emphasizes that punishment is possible only if the basic rule is observed: "Punish by depriving the good, not doing bad." And the child must know what he is being punished for (this is important for every age).
9) Be good enough parents, not perfect
Very often we want to become ideal parents for our child, who have time for everything, never get annoyed, never get angry and always behave properly. But this is impossible.
Hopefully, these tips will help you manage your emotional state more effectively. Don't be alarmed if you can't hold back the first time. Appreciate your efforts and do not blame for failures. Rarely does anyone manage to change their behavior right away. Over the years, we have formed automatic reactions, and it will not be easy to break their chains. But it's definitely worth a try.
We wish you success!
