Assertive teacher and relationship

Assertiveness is not just about saying NO. It is an attitude that expresses respect for oneself and for others, in which we say and think "I'm ok and you are ok". How to be an assertive teacher?

In psychology, the term assertiveness means having and expressing one's opinion, emotions, beliefs and thoughts in such a way as not to violate the rights, limits of one's own and other people around us. Since we are social creatures, i.e. we constantly communicate with others, it is worth learning an assertive way of communication. Assertiveness is not innate; we are not born assertive or non-assertive.

As I heard assertiveness is associated with knowing yourself, your limits, feelings, attitudes, thoughts and opinions and with defending them when someone tries to violate them, but on the other hand, it is about respecting boundaries, feelings, attitudes, thoughts, opinions and the beliefs of others, "no matter how old they are and how tall they are".

Two dimensions of assertiveness

1. Contact with myself - that is, I know what I mean, what I care about, what is important to me and I can show it to the world in a way that does not infringe upon others.
2. Communication skills - that is, I speak clearly, using personal communication, I speak so as not to hurt or cut off contact.

About saying YES and saying NO

Assertiveness is both saying NO and saying YES. Saying YES should result from our authentic consent. It is a trap to say YES for peace of mind, out of guilt or fear of the consequences of our refusal, e.g. to anger the student or parent. When we say YES for too long to things for which we do not have internal consent, we run the risk of anger, frustration, thoughts appear that the student or parent manipulates us, does not respect us. These difficult emotions explode at some point. As experience shows, usually at the most unexpected moment and in a way that we are ashamed of afterwards. Therefore, it is important to give yourself the right to express disagreement and to say it outright. If we don't take care of saying NO, don't take care of ourselves and our needs, we will collect anger and frustration. And usually when we are at the end of our tether, we even shout it out in a tone of anger and hostility. This attitude has nothing to do with assertiveness - its aggression.

Let™s talks about "saying NO with a clear conscience." We say NO to the student or his parent when our needs are at stake, i.e. when we want to say YES to ourselves. This should NOT be said in a calm tone, without feeling angry or angry, but in a friendly way. It is obvious that if I say NO, it is unlikely to be happy on the part of the student or his parent. After all, the student will not tell me "it's great that you don't agree, actually you're right, thank you." It is natural and healthy to feel angry and frustrated. When someone refuses us, we are also not happy. What is important then is taking care of the student's anger in empathic communication.

How to say NO in an assertive way

It is the use of personal communications.

I do not want.

I do not like.

I can not.

I do not agree, I do not have consent.

I don't like it.

I do not feel comfortable.

The key word in the refusal is NO. The closer we have a relationship with another person and the more we care about him (and I think that the student-teacher relationship belongs to one), the more important it is to provide the arguments behind our knee.

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If we have repeated an argument 2-3 times, and the student or parent continues to insist, it means that they do not agree and have the right to do so. It makes no sense to repeat arguments almost endlessly. The student or parent has really heard what we have to say. When we give arguments, it makes sense to express them clearly, precisely and personally rather than hiding behind any rules, regulations or regulations. People deal better and faster with denial when it is personal.

Changing your mind is not a lack of assertiveness

Changing my mind is not a submissive attitude, but an assertive one, provided that I change my mind because I want to and that I was convinced by the student's arguments that we see how much the student cares about something. When do we change our minds for the so-called "Peace of mind", because the student or parent is crying and groaning, and we cannot listen to it, then we react from a submissive attitude.

It is worth remembering that our NO can also be a field for negotiation. When we have said no, but we see that the student really cares about something and that it is important for him, we can simply tell him about it:

œYou know what, I didn't agree to it, but I can see how much you care about it, so you have two days to look for arguments that will convince me to change my mind. What do you think?"

I am ok and you are ok

Assertive attitude expresses the conviction that you are ok with your thoughts, attitudes, wishes, desires, dreams, needs, feelings, but I am ok. In this attitude we express mutual respect. This does not mean that we agree, but that we respect our differences and are ready to try to understand and communicate, looking for a mutually beneficial solution. It's a win-win attitude. Sometimes we also present other items that are not for assertiveness:

"You are ok - I am not ok" - submission, feeling of inferiority, low self-esteem, lack of self-esteem.

"You are not ok - I am ok" - sense of superiority, I am better than you.

"You are not ok - I am not ok" - helplessness, powerlessness.

Which gives us assertiveness

Sometimes it's hard for us to be assertive. Sometimes we want to insist that the students obey our instructions without talking, and sometimes we don't want to conflict with them so much that we say YES too often. While being assertive is not an easy attitude, it has many benefits:

• Our dissatisfaction with the relationship and the belief that we are taking advantage of ourselves is limited.
• It allows us to feel good and confident in the relationship with the student or parent. We don't approach them in fear, uncertainty or stress.
• It allows us to respect ourselves, some say save face.
• It helps to increase self-confidence because we live the way we want.
• We don't have to deserve the approval of others. We have a stable sense of value and adequate self-esteem, we believe in ourselves.

The teaching profession requires contacts with people who are based on well-mastered relational (interpersonal) skills. Building a relationship with the student can be a cause for satisfaction and satisfaction for us, provided that we respect ourselves and respect the student. An assertive teacher builds a relationship with the student based on respect, equal dignity, acceptance and kindness.